Sunday, October 14, 2012

Not to us...

13 years ago, Mark and I had a verse spoken at our wedding. A verse we felt that we wanted our life together to reflect His work in our hearts.

"O LORD, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness." Psalm 115:1

When we walked down the isle that day, as new husband and wife, we were left to anticipate all that would come. Circumstances both expected and unexpected...

I was driving in our van on April 17, 2012, exactly 13 years later when I received a call. This dear one on the other side of the world had been doing ALL she could to help bring a little girl from Rwanda into our family. A little girl we had been anticipating for nearly 2 years.

But when she told me this adoption would not be, my heart was exposed to a kind of grief I had not known before.

***The following is something I wrote during that time***

Her hands are bound. Tied together by a cord that bears both trial and trust. I went. I took her to the place I was told. It was a much longer journey than I thought. Days of sheer heat, nights of crippling cold. Much longer this journey, than my life seemed to hold years. Days of clearly marked paths turned into a bedlam of twisted, wicked, unknown climbs. But always to the higher place. The place I had been told to go. And now we are--this place He said to go. The alter built. Her hands bound. That cord of trial entwined with trust. My heart too, feels bound. I know He has done it before… I look around. Waiting on His provision, looking for the ram. She lays there; confusion seems to have paralyzed her body. Calming words I cannot offer. None-the-less, she is silent and still. My heart feels the weight of His ask and I do not believe it to be so. Trust, this time, can only be seen by the visible eye. Where is that ram?

He wouldn’t be asking this of me…surely not. Surely not He who provides, who spoke the earth into being. I obeyed. Walked each step. Waited. Called to Him. Heard His voice. Shared His glory. Built this alter. Where is He who says He loves me? Where is He who said “Go”?

I know. I cry out in a pain I have never known before. Pain that pierces so deep, I wonder if breath will ever return to me. I wonder if joy will be estranged to me forever. Only where pain resides?

Winching as I touch the knife at my side. Feeling its sharp tip, it would be better if it were for me. Holding it firm now, pleading for the ram to come. Pleading for Him who provides to do what He has done before. Why would He be asking me to do this?

He speaks now. Not in angels. Not in animals. He speaks now, the way He has spoken before. Gentle and firm and I know. He has spoken nothing about what will be--what will come after, but has spoken to what is now, and what I am to do.
Sacrifice.

My heart stings. My hands shake. I lift the knife. She is yours now…she always was.

And I hear, “So are you.”

Why? Why? Why? Barely a whisper comes from me. The pain. Deep. Real. Pain as if my soul has left me…why? Despair acted out in the tearing of clothes.
He speaks again. But not to tell me all the things I long to know. Not to tell me why. Only to remind me that it is He who provides. And I say, “Hear I am.”
Lifting my lifeless feet, I begin the descent from the place He told me to go. Leaving the place of sacrifice and despair. Onto the journey where the days of sheer heat are met by the crippling cold of night.

All the way down, wondering. Asking. Tears turning into verbal groanings of agony. Down the bitter path. Feeling my way back. What will happen when I get back home? How will He restore?

He who promises to provide speaks. He speaks of this journey. He speaks of His promises to me. He reminds me step by step, back down the twisted path. He provides…
Why? I wonder. Pain still raw. Could I have known it without the sacrifice? Could I understand otherwise? No…no…. To know the One who provides is to know sacrifice. The journey-- those twisted, wicked roads. To know, and to love.

Seeing the fields now from the start of the journey long ago. Fields now blooming with wildflowers of color. Relishing in the beauty, knowing it will take time. Seeing what He who provides-- beginning to understand. Not always what I want. But always what He wants to give.

Love for Him. Peace from Him. Confidence in Him. Hope—to come. Yes, He who provides, restores. Knowing it is my heart He provides for. Through sacrifice He gives. More—of knowing Him. Clinging now, I follow. He who promises to provide.
****

God has been generous to us. In our time of trial, He revealed the joy that James speaks of. In our moments of unbearable grief, He sustained our souls and protected us from our own confusion. And in a season of the unknown, He has revealed a measure of His goodness to us that is matchless to anything else.  

For we serve a God who is about the journey...and we are so hopeful about a new journey He is leading us on.

This blog is where we hope to share that with you.


"O LORD, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness." Psalm 115:1





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